If there is one thing I have discovered during my various trips around the World, it is that the advice offered in Lonely Planet guides is more often than not complete bollocks.
Allow me to offer my latest case for the prosecution. The South East Asia Lonely Planet recommended only three hotels to stay in on Phi Phi Island, one of which is the affordable and pleasant sounding Paradise Resort. As I didn't have the time to trawl through lots of web sites to decide where to stay, I plumped for this option...
I arrived by boat taxi. The resort is on a beautiful white sanded beach, and the word 'paradise' is completely in keeping with its location. The facilities certainly were not, and my 'Superior' room was easily the worst of the hotels that I have stayed in thus far. It is not, however, this that was the problem. I am on a budget and thus cannot have expensive tastes.
After dumping my bag and a quick shower, I set off along the beach towards the island's main village. There are no roads or cars in Phi Phi - the whole place is a national park. As the clear blue sea lapped over my tired feet on the glorious white beach, I struggled to think of a more spectacular setting I had ever seen in my life. Then as the beach went round a corner, I noticed I had to climb over quite a lot of rocks in order to progress further. A lot of rocks. Then after walking further along the beach there were more rocks. This was going to be interesting to negotiate later on...
After a fantastic meal on a beach side restaurant, I knocked back quite a few Chang beers in a lively little bar. It was good fun. A couple of English gay boys were running around the place in bras and other items of women's clothing they had obviously stolen from someone's balcony, for which they were rewarded with free shot after free shot from the bar staff. Perhaps I should try that in the bars around Westminster after work, or maybe even next time I'm back in Norfolk...
Anyway, although I had a decent night, I couldn't relax properly because I was worried about the walk back to my hotel. Ar 10pm I called it a night and decided to head back. Surely they couldn't expect people to negotiate the route I took in the pitch dark. Surely they would have realised people would want to go into town at night and would have some kind of safe route back...
An hour later I was wading through a forest swearing to myself at the top of my voice. There was indeed a different way back, but quite frankly it would have been better if I had fucking swam it. I managed to climb over most of the rocks - albeit with difficulty - using my phone as a torch. Then I slipped and fell into shallow water. With my phone in my hand. It very quickly died on me...
As my mood switched from one of determination to get back to blind fury, I noticed the next set of rocks I had to negotiate were deep under water now as the tide had come in. There was no way I was going to risk that. Although I had just slipped, the rocks were not sharp and the water was shallow. There was never going to be any danger there, but this was very different.
As I contemplated going back and finding another hotel, I noticed there was a lit pathway going up the side of the inland rock face. It was clearly an alternative route, but it was so steep you basically had to pull yourself up the side of it by rope. I didn't allow myself time to think about it and just clambered my way up. At the top, I then had to wade through forest land and all sorts of weird and wonderful insects running all over the place. Then there was another rope, to help you down the other side. It was like some absurd activity in fucking I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Finally, I made it back to the hotel. Without a functioning phone. I poured myself a gigantic glass of Thai brandy and resolved to check out of this place in the morning.
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